We all know Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is a racist son of a bitch who has dedicated his career to decimating already modest protections for poor people and people of color. Whether it’s separating undocumented families and vowing to prosecute every single one, killing accessible legal assistance for those who cannot afford it, or openly boasting about protecting the “Anglo-American heritage of law enforcement” it’s pretty clear the guy named after a guy named after a guy named after the guy who started the Civil War is a bigot.
What we do not know for certain, however—and this is something that has vexed us here at Splinter for months now—is how tall the diminutive Attorney General is! Sure, he looks like he’s somewhere between the size of a Keebler elf and a leprechaun, but how many inches is that? Six? Just how tall is this man!!
Searching for any public record (documents, whatnot) of his height has proven challenging. In fact, the at-tiny general was the subject of controversy last year after extensive personal information about him was mysteriously scrubbed from LexisNexis, a popular online research database of public records. A spokesperson for Sessions claimed they did not order the removal of the records; LexisNexis told AL.com, “As a matter of policy, we do not comment on information in our services that may be suppressed for legal or security reasons.” SEEMS SUSPICIOUS but onward in our quest for truth.
First: A cursory Google search does not help much. Over on IMDB, which lists all of Sessions’ television and film appearances, Sessions is deemed to be 5’5”.
But another website called “FamousBirthsDeaths.com” listed his height as 5’4”. They did indicate his status as “Alive,” which is true (for all we know), so the site could be legit. The plot thickens.
Consulting photos and comparing Sessions’ height relative to other humans is...equally unhelpful. First, here is Jeff Sessions:
Looks like a regular-size human being, right? Well here is the same image of Sessions, now flanked by former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who is reportedly 5'10" and White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, reportedly 6'1.” Okay, maybe 5'5" could work.
Here, Sessions is beside Jared Kushner, reportedly 6'2". Here he looks a little shorter, maybe 5'3"?
Besides Paul Ryan’s alleged 6'1", Sessions is looking somewhere between 5'2" and 5'8".
Next to Elena Kagan, 5'3", Sessions appears to be six feet tall.
Here, it looks like he’s about to be eaten by a stack of papers, which appear to be 8.5" x 11".
Here, next to Donald Trump’s 6'3" and Melania Trump’s 5'11" (height of footwear unknown), he could be 5'4".
But in THIS picture with the very same Donald Trump, he looks like a 12-year-Benjamin Button. I DON’T GET IT.
If this nice velvet booster seat could talk.
Undeterred, we reached out to the Department of Justice, who informed us that Jeff Sessions is actually 5'6". Hm.
When asked what the source of this figure was, the spokesperson for the Department of Justice, Lauren Ehrsam, with whom Splinter was directly communicating, cited...herself. Hmmm. Case closed? Absolutely not.
Jeff Sessions’ height remains an enigma. If you know anything about this, please get in touch.