If you’re perusing Tinder and within 100 miles of Eminem, you might come across his profile. You might be tempted to swipe right. As a person who fantasized about hate-fucking him in high school, I sympathize. It’d be a good story, he has at least one diamond-encrusted cock ring, and that one sex scene in 8 Mile is kind of hot. But before you do, please be advised that he might:
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- Physically abuse you
- Verbally abuse you
- Pistol-whip a dude he thinks you kissed
- Slut-shame your favorite pop stars
- Slut-shame the women who try to sleep with him on tour
- Laugh after said slut-shaming (it’s funny!)
- Embarrass you by waving his gun around at inopportune times
- Subject you to some very bad fashion choices
- Write songs about slitting your throat, putting Anthrax on a Tampax, and slapping you till you can’t stand
- Drive you to attempt suicide
On a positive note, he hates his Trump supporter fans; he’s sorry, Kim; and he has pledged to “aim his fist at the drywall” next time. Happy swiping!